Great Moments in Cinema: James Bond

Car
Yes it's great moments in cinema again, part K and it's James Bond with more sodding gadgets.

James Bond:

You see that car over there friend, it's a 1957 Aston Martin with an amazing array of state of the art gadgets. It has a spring loaded ejector seat. The exhaust pipe doubles up as a 40 calibre Stun Gun. The wheel spokes detach to allow the driver to puncture the tyres of any vehicle running alongside,and a large lead bullet proof gurd appears from the boot of the motor when you press the cigarette lighter.
It really is an amazing feat of engineering.
Now you see that triumph Dolarmite behind it, thats mine. It's very nice isn't it? Fourty miles to the gallon, racing green finish, very tasty. Walnut dash, it only cost me four hundred quid, one careful owner.

James Bond:

You see this pen my friend, it looks like any everyday commoner garden pen, it feels like a normal pen, indeed it writes like a mormal pen.It has a revolving ball nib like most ordinary pens.
but look closely, if you tip the pen on it's side, the ladies clothes completely disappear. Phwaooooor, Christ almighty will you look at the knocks on that. Blimey Charlie, you wouldn't you. You can't get many of those to the pound.

Watch
Yes it's great moments in cinema part.....C. And it's James Bond and his chuffing gadgets, Christ almighty.

James Bond:

See this watch my friend, it's truely amazing. It tells the time in over fourty countries, it has a harded alloy casing, which can withstand fourty five pounds of dialic pressure, it will submerge in water for days and still keep second precise timing. Indeed it has a quartz alarm to wake you if you drop off, what do you say?

Man:

Look, I've told you, I've already got a watch, leave it.

JB:

Come on, six pounds a piece, two for a tenner, what about one for the wife.

Man:

Look I've fucking told you already, I don't want a fucking watch. My wifes got a watch, now I've come out for a quiet pint, I'm going to tell Alan the landlord, now piss off.

JB:

Arsehole.

Great Moments in Cinema:Dirty Harry

Do You Feel Lucky

Dirty Harry:

Okay punk, you see this gun, it's a Magnum 45, it has a twelve inch barrel, it's got a spring loaded chamber, and a handle made of oak, that weighs over two pounds, but to be honest, can't remembered whether I fired five of six bullets. Do you feel lucky punk, do you feel lucky.

Punk:

Well now you mention it, I do consider myself quite a lucky type of person. Well here y'are here's an example. Only last week I got three numbers on the lottery, now thats a tenner right, now thats not a bad start isn't it. Now, then erm, about a year ago, I inherited a Ford Mondeo from my auntie, she died, which wasn't very lucky, but I got the car, could've gone to either of my sisters, didn't it went to me, erm didn't really know her, she left it to me, that was really lucky, it's got dual airbags on it, it's got a pull out radio, it's got the works, I thought that was quite lucky don't you think.

DH:

Yeah, okay punk I get the picture...

Punk:

Oh yeah hang on, I remember, when I was about ten right, I was running on the road and I stopped to tie my laces and a car mounted the pavement and hit the lamppost, and you know, it couldn't have been more than three feet ahead of me, now that was lucky...

DH:

Shut up...

Punk:

I would have been a gonna for sure (Shut up) I never been to hospital in my life(shut up) not once so I must be quite lucky (Yeah, yeah) hang on, black cat(shut up) black cat not finished (just shut...) cross me path right(shut up) and I found a horse shoe on the same day, thats uncanny (shut up) that is, you must agre with me there that was very lucky. (Gun Shot)

Punk:

Bloody hell, he's shot himself, that was lucky wasn't it, I thought he was going to shoot me for a bit, you can't argue with that kind of luck can you?

That's a Fridge!

DH:

Okay punk, you see this gun...

Punk:

Yeah

DH:

...Well it's a Magnum .45, it has a twelve inch barrel...

Punk:

Oooh

DH:

...Spring loaded trigger with a Smith and Wesson chamber...

Punk:

Right

DH:

...Which holds six dum dum bullets when fully armed...

Punk:

Very impressive, are they expensive?

DH:

...it's got a heavy duty grip, of oak, and it's a front loader...

Punk:

You what?

DH:

...it's got a state of the art thermostat...

Punk:

Eh?

DH:

...and it's got a complete self defrost mode...

Punk:

Thats a fridge!

DH:

...and a nice place eggs, coke...

Punk:

Your taking the piss!

DH:

Had you going there didn't I?

Punk:

Fuck off!

DH:

Same to you with nobs on (Gun shot)

Cheeky Bastard!

DH:

Okay, now this is a Magnum .45, it has a twelve inch barrel, a spring loaded hammer and a chamber that when fully loaded holds six dum dum bullets, it weighs over two pounds and at this distance could blow your head clean off, but to be honest I can't remember how many bullets I fired, maybe five maybe six, do you feel lucky punk? Go on punk make my day

Punk:

It was five

DH:

What did you say?

Punk:

Five bullets definitely

DH:

How do you make that out?

Punk:

Well if you remember, you were chasing me by the garage over there down by the Portacabin you tried twice there, missed me both times by a mile, then you had another one, you had a lucky shot, just grazed me here on my thigh, just a bit of a flesh wound, not worried by it really, right thats three, and when you caght up with with me, now I couldn't believe this, got to be honest, couldn't beleve this, you were only about ten foot away, you tried twice again and you mised both times, and you've only caught me now cause I tripped up on me, on me flares so you know bloody awful shot, but anyway regardless definitely five

DH:

Cheeky bastard (Gun shot)

Don't you remember me?

DH:

Okay Punk, you see this gun? it's a Magnum .45, it has a twelve inch barrel, spring loaded chamber and at this distance it could take your head clean off.

Punk:

It's not Harry is it?

DH:

You what?

Punk:

It is isn't it, it's Harry Callerghan. Blimey Charlie I don't adamant believe it. Harry it's George Polomby, remember me, I went to school with you.

DH:

Can't say I do Punk!

Punk:

Aw, you must remember me, look I was the one who sprayed your school uniform with ink right on the first day, do you remember, your mum she bollocked you right in the school yard in front of everbody (laughs) you must remember me.

DH:

No, I don't remember you at all punk.

Punk:

I tell you what, have you managed to get you leg over yet? Ever since it has been a standing joke that was, you didn't know this but we used to have a nickname for you right Dirty Harry, (laughs) that was because you did stink like a bad'un, tell you what your still a bit ripe now. God I can't believe your a copper, Christ they must be desperate, now listen I can't believe you don't remember me, dou remember I was the lad who stripped you naked, tied you to a goalpost and shaveda all your genitals and then I set fire to your hair, you sure you don't remember me?

DH:

Now you mention it(Gun Shot)

Punk:

Ohhhh arrrr, blimey Charlie, I knew we'd get there in the end, eh Harry is your sister still a local dyke?